Sarah Ockler
I'm writing this for Emerson and Truett. There will come a day that they will want to know what happened and I want them to be able to read this and know.
I was in Lubbock helping Channa move from one apartment to the other her senior year at college. It had been a long day of moving and shopping. We were sound asleep when the phone rang at 6:00 a.m. I looked at my phone and it was my husband. I thought what is he thinking calling so early? I answered the phone and I guess out of nervousness he said, "What are you doing"? My reaction was sleeping! He said, "Chase has been in a motorcycle accident". My reaction was oh no was he hurt? Thinking he broke a leg or something like that. The next thing out of his mouth was the only thing a parent never wants to hear, "He didn't make it". What? He said, "He was on a bridge and crashed that's all I know". The next thing I remember is crying, yelling and saying "No not Chase, what am I going to do" over and over again. Then Channa said, "Mom your going to wake the neighbors", that's when I looked at her and said Chase is dead.
How Mike received the news was from Chase's girlfriend. How she found out was from calling him over and over and not getting a answer until finally the sheriff's department answered the phone and told her he was deceased. She wouldn't give the sheriff's office our number, she wanted to call and tell us herself.
Channa in shock not knowing what to do with me called my mom. I got on the phone with her and she said, "You need to calm down, and we need to think what we are going to do with the body". I thought body, body, no! I am sure she was in shock and trying to calm me down in the middle of her head spinning. I had flown to Lubbock so we had to drive Channa's car back to Lake Kiowa where Mike and I were living. We of course cried the whole way, 5 1/2 hours drive home. Channa looked at me and said, "Mom do you remember what you said to me yesterday"? While we were shopping I asked her to be careful driving because I had a feeling something bad was going to happen.
One of the worse things I remember once we got home was looking out the window and seeing a car I didn't know. I asked Mike who it was? My parents he said. Now these people were never nice, OK not nice is a understatement they were flat mean let a loan being grandparents to my kids. They hated me therefore they hated my kids. But they showed up like the grieving grandparents and it made me want to throw up. The only comfort I could find was shutting myself in the closet where I could whale and nobody could hear me.
Little did I know the insanity was just beginning. We had to make flights to Portland, Oregon the next day. (American Airlines being the generous company they are only charged us a grievance fair of $3,000). I had arranged for his girlfriend to hide a key to his house. When we got there the key wasn't where it was supposed to but I remembered that Chase hid a key in the back. Thank God it was there. Walking into your 24 year old's house, when he has died less that 48 hours is a gut wrenching experience. Where do you start, what do you do and you feel like you are invading every inch of his privacy. It was horrible but then again what part of this isn't. We started going through his art, first and foremost that was most important. It was what was the most important thing to him, therefore the most important thing to me. We continued to go through what we could, packing anything and everything we could get in suitcases.
The next day was the day to go to the funeral home... only I couldn't do it. I knew if I walked into that funeral home I would not be able to be in the same building and not go see him. I just couldn't do it. Channa and Mike had to make the arrangements without me. I found out what basically happened. Chase was on his way to his house with a couple friends. For some reason he got behind and was trying to catch up to his friends. That's why he was speeding, he lost control. He was going over a 100 miles per hour on a crotch rocket when he lost control and hit the concrete divider head first. How could I possibly see my son in that condition?
The funeral was on overload, well over a hundred people were there. His friends all got up and talked about Chase and the love they had for him. Afterward when people lined up to give their condolences, it was one person after the other showing us the tattoo's Chase did or started and hadn't finished. There were his motorcycle friends and they all had stories about Chase. Afterwards his friends wanted to have a get together at Chase's favorite bar, which we did. It was more stories of Chase all of which I could have listened to forever. We left the bar and went by Chases one more time before we went home. When we pulled up his best friend Salvador was sitting on the front steps crying.
A year later he wrote me a 6 page letter that among other things said:
Everything I've done thought, perceived, experienced, enjoyed, cherished, mocked, wanted, idolized, consumed, discovered, created, begun, destroyed, dreamt, expected, envied, recognized, coped with and missed had been directly effected by Chases existence.
He also wrote:
Because of Chase I am able to experience one of the truest joys of being a human. Being a father. Sue, I tell you I was on a mission to destroy myself, and then I met this girl and we had a child. In the beginning I wasn't very admirable. Chase was always supportive and encouraging. This is gift he gave...this is one of the many things he has left for me to help me in this time of absence.
One of the last movies we watched together was City of Angles where the Sarah McLachlan song Angel came from. We played it at his funeral. To this day I can't hear that song without crying. There are actually several songs that happens to me.
In February,1999 his school honored Chase with an art show that was amazing. His friends and professors were there. All his close friends did art pieces to honor him. His girlfriend helped tremendously. I accomplished two special things on this trip to Portland. One his friend Cheyenne mixed some of Chase's ashes to make ink and I had his initials and a tear drop tattooed on my finger. I had always asked Chase to not tattoo his hands or his face so I figured my hand would be the better option. The second was to drive over the bridge he died on. No one had to tell me when we got to the spot, I just knew and a feeling of peace came over me. At least Chase was doing something he loved when he died. I am a firm believer your death is predestine, other wise I wouldn't have made it 14 years. I believe that when your born God knows that day you will die. He choose June 5th for Chase. I still hate June 5th with all my being but God sure got an angel.
I realized that the relationship between me, my artwork and the world is exactly the same. That from on moment to the next, I am not there at all, just the art as evidence that I was. One day I will cease to be at any moment and all of my artwork will exist as one line of evidence that I was a point in this world.
Chase Cook
05/09/1998
Sue "CiCi" Cook
No comments:
Post a Comment